me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”