ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
reminder
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.