Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.