Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Only short people can save us
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The funk soul brother
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR