@Matt_The_1st

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

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@markydoodoo

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

@YSylon

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

@CryitoutMom

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

@mommajessiec

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

@deegeemindi

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

@chimneyspotter

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

@TheBoydP

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

@HotBitHoran

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

@Brentweets

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.