Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.


If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too


I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.


that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer


In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.


PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet


Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.


Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around


“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.