Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
how to have fun when you’re poor
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this