Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Thrilling chase underway
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”