Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.