Me buying fruit and veg
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Morning my dudes.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.