[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Wait a minute…
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Harsh but fair
What is going on? 😅
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs