me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My support group can outdrink your support group.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.