Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
You Might Also Like
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing