ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Monday?
No. Next question.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]