Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second