@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

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@ADHDeanASL

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@Chhapiness

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@prawn_meat

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice