Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
🙂🐾
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.