me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You Might Also Like
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.