Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
waiting for halloween be like:
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.