Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My beach vacation Google searches
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you