Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging