Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.