Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Sniffing the broccoli

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

それは草

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.