Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???