ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]