me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.


Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.


Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*


You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.


I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?



No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though


The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.