@LizHackett THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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@LizHackett 
@djdarrellripley Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
@QueenVofCoffee Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
@Shade510 You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
@Xeriland It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
@Reverend_Scott I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
@Hadzilla No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
@tinynietzsche The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.