me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Wednesday
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”