@

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

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@LizHackett

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@QueenVofCoffee

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

@Shade510

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@Xeriland

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.