ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”