Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Still a very good boi….
I wish I could veto my bills.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
She was REALLY feeling it.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.