me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My background check bounced.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.