Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You Might Also Like
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?