me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
A bold strategy
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.