Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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Chicken bread
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
This will teach them to underestimate me
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY