me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I think this should do it.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?