me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Nothing.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not