Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
This is a true ally.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If only
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue