Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
british sex workers really pound for pound
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
#MeanwhileInCanada
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*puts cutlery down*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”