Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
WTF IS THAT!
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.