@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

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@DairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@JediGigi

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

@_SouthernMama

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@faizziy

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

@Desert_Musings

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

@Book_Krazy

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?