Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby