Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Introverted vegans go meetless
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap