Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.