ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣