Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
All excellent questions
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*