Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
had to share :’)
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!