Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”


me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁


Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.


“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”


My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.


[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.


The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.


The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.