@UncleDuke1969

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

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@Woeotto

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

@HomeWithPeanut

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

@jonnysun

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

@skitzoette

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@envydatropic

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

@MoneypennyNaked

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.