Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
This is true.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Labreador
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?