Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
You Might Also Like
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.