me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.