ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.