me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!