Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Need WebMD
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.