Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.