me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
decorating my apartment
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you