me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Got him!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly