The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.