Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Mood.. 😂
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.