ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You Might Also Like
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
This was a bad idea all around
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT